Catty Comments

Unfortunate Spring 2006 fashion trends, revisited

HA! You thought you were safe until the next Season arrived - not so fast! We have unearthed a truly disturbing trendlet for Spring; the return of PLAID! Yes! Now everyone can be hideous! Style.com tells us that we are in for such a treat! Ooohh, I can hardly wait, let's begin:

Apparantly Junya Watanabe has been living on one of Saturn's moons and does not realize that this look is so very old and busted. Nice hair though; she looks like a Vegas showgirl from an all-Zombie cast remake of "Casino."

Ah Kenzo - whatever shall we do with you? Always with the pattern mixing.  It's like an obsession; you should really see someone about that.

This really makes the old head swim - bias cut plaid in a viciously bilious shade of yellow. Thanks, L.A.M.B. - I just had dinner and now I am going to have to lose it. The reptilian hairdo is a nice touch. And what's with the shoes?!? Cloggy-things do NOT go with a floor length frock! Not that this dress actually goes with anything....

Speaking of bilious, bile can be green as well, as demonstrated by Wolfgang Joop. I don't know when I have seen a more depressing ensemble. This particular green shadow plaid would make anyone look tired and wan. Put an unflattering flounced chiffon top (in a competing plaid pattern, no less!)underneath to utterly obliterate the figure, and you have reached new depths of fuglitude.

Melanie was always shy; what her schoolmates did not realize was that behind the quiet demeanor there lurked the deranged mind of a killer. She was always dressed shabbily, in hand-me-down dresses and baggy plaid jackets. She looked like she didn't care what people thought. Mostly they just ignored her, until the day they came to school and found her standing in the cafeteria covered in blood. It was not her own, however; it was the blood of fashion designer Charles Anastase. "He turned me into this" she whispered brokenly as they led her away.

This one from Preen is referred to as "lumberjack-style" plaid. Well, maybe if you are a member of Monty Python and like to press wildflowers - otherwise not so much.

Oh wait, I know! We can make plaid all fresh and new again! Let's make it out of taffeta and add all kindsa ruffles! They'll never notice how this color combo in day-glo plaid is incapable of flattering any figure on Earth! Julien MacDonald, take a bow! Brilliant!

We conclude with two priceless gems from Commes des Garcons. I know, I know - too easy a target. Well, I got tired of shooting all those poor little fishies in barrels, so I went for this instead.

On the first one, I find the model seriously disturbing. Not to mention the sleeve treatment - I have yet to see a more unflattering shoulder line. Everything is bunched and wrapped and hunched over, like she is trying to smuggle wild parrots through Customs. And the gathered & draped hip on the skirt...oh, let's not go there.

This "outfit" actually has a theme - all the plaids are types of Campbell tartans. Whew, that's a relief - for a minute I thought this was a cornea-searing, incoherent mess! Good to know.

(If any fashion "advisor" tells you plaids are "back" and suggests that you start wearing them, just smile, then run for your life.)

Fugly foot fashions!

We have shown you some pretty scary fashion shows over the past few months. However, this time we are concentrating on the fashion item we all love the most - shoes! Why do we love shoes, anyway? Because they always fit, no matter what we had for dessert last month (for the whole month). That being said, we have stumbled upon a line of footwear that no one should ever have to put on: Irregular Choice. That's right - that is the brand name, and rightly so. Oh, the horrors we found as we paged through the Zappos website, realizing the there are hundreds of styles in this line, each more hideous than the last! Let us begin with a few examples:

This is "Can Can" and worth every penny at $153.95! Oh wait - I thought that was what they were going to pay me NOT to wear them! If you care at all, they also come in red & white and black & white. I thought not.

This is "Tinkerbell" but I think even a fictional fairy would have better sense that to wear these. They are not exactly dainty. I think the Jolly Green Giant likes to dress in drag, and these are actually his.

This scary pair is "Princess" - of what country, I shudder to think.

Okay, even they could not come up with a name for this "boot" that is purported to be "Western-inspired."  It only has a number - 2919-2D.  Probably a code for "what were we thinking?" It is also said to have "sexy" square toes. Er, I don't think so, but could I have some of whatever the person who wrote the ad copy for this one was smoking? (It comes in white, too. Like you care.)

Here's another style that only has a number, and again, it comes in two other colors but since you do not want to go blind, I won't tell you what they are. It is also referred to as a "dress pump" - perhaps they are not entirely clear on the concept. 

Here we have "Vamp"- All that's missing on these is clear heels. In a frightening reversal of all we know to be good and true, that would actually be an improvement.

Oh, wait, I know - if you want to be a big hit at the office party - wear your Barbarella boots!

Wow, this is trippy - I had NO idea that Carmen Miranda was still alive! These are only $29.95, too! I cannot imagine why they would be on sale...

Here we have "Haystack", which manages to be both weirdly trendy and unspeakably dowdy all at once. They are like the shoes your Aunt Frieda with the house that always smelled of mothballs wore to church.

For the outdoorsy crowd -  this is "Snow Bunny." I have nothing to say - the picture speaks for itself, to my great sorrow.

All right, I think I just fell down the rabbit-hole with this model, called "Eat Up". I have no idea why these shoes exist. All the laws of Nature are being violated here.

You may visit the rest of the collection here, if you dare. It's a big site, and they have a lot of brands. That's nice, cuz you really need a different one than this.

A Salute to Ice Dance - Sort Of

We warned you - we are committed to bringing you "fashion" reviews from the world of sports. Since the official Olympic-eligible season just kicked off this weekend with Skate America, we are paying tribute to a now-retired Ice Dance couple whose career was distinguished by some of the most astonishingly hideous and inappropriate costuming ever to startle an audience. May we present: Kati Winkler & Rene Lohse of Germany. Don't get us wrong, we adore them, and we understand that they are two of the nicest people you will ever meet. However, that being said, they did not know HOW TO DRESS THEMSELVES.

I assume this "Cabaret" number from 2000 was supposed to be sexy. Yeah, we love Rene' s greased-back hair - that's so hot. And those garters Kati is sporting - Sally Bowles would be so proud! She looks like a 3-dollar hooker. I know the girls in the show were supposed to look trashy, but I think this was a little bit too authentic.

This is a particular favorite of mine  - their "Swingcombo" Original Dance from 2003-04. This is just about the most wretched plaid I have ever seen. It's a scary thought that they were able to find an exact match to Kati's blue dress in that jacket material.

Another view - ruffles too! (He is getting quite an interesting view as well....)

This is "Energy" from 2002-03. Complete with fake Punk spiky hair for Rene, tights over the skates for Kati, and a color combination only a robot could love. Electifying to be sure, but not what they were aiming for. I hope.

Is it just me or is Kati's come-hither look just a bit frightening here? You don't often see an ice skater in danger of a nip slip, but bless her, it's all just hangin' out.

This is a more "conventional" old-fashioned ballroom style costume from the 2002-03 season compulsories. Kati's dress looks like a combination of every cruel bridesmaid's gown ever made, and Rene seems to be doing a Hugh Grant-on-crack impression.

This "number" is "Time Goes Millennium" at the 2001 Grand Prix final; the program was introduced in the 1999-2000 season. All I have to say is that I think I hear Salvador Dali and Hieronymus Bosch both spinning in their graves.

Finally, two views (and two versions!) of the all-time FUGLIEST Ice Dance costumes ever, in lovely dirt-smudged ballpark mustard yellow. This is their "Gospel - Message of Hope" program from the 2000-01 season. Picture it - two extremely white Germans skating to American Black gospel music in costumes meant to evoke slavery. Note their stylin' ROPE BELTS.  And ya gotta love those suspenders. When I saw this for the first time my jaw just dropped. I knew that bad taste came with the Ice Dance world, but this was beyond words. The audience was supposed to feel all spiritual and uplifted for this number, but it's hard to get religion when you're laughing so hard it hurts.

Kati and Rene are no longer competing as Olympic-eligible skaters, but be forewarned; they still skate in exhibition ice shows from time to time, so if you see them on the roster be sure to bring your sunglasses (or a welding mask) with you to the show to avoid being blinded by their splendor.

Seasick in Paris? Sacre bleu!

Today we present the recent Paris Spring 2006 Ready-To- Wear collection from Antonio Marras for Kenzo. This man appears to have an extreme fondness for the Nautical look, which is mercifully not often seen these days except at yacht clubs and Republican conventions. Not that we have anything against the concept of "nautical", it's just that it is a very fine line to walk and it's not easy to pull off. The key to success for this look is understatement. Since you are seeing it on this site, you would be correct in assuming that understatement is NOT this designer's strong suit, if you will.

Stripes you want is it? Well, we got 'em! Going horizontally, vertically and every other which way! Feeling a little dizzy, you say? Just hang your head over the side of the boat. Hopefully your craptacular Tam O' Shanter will fall in the water and sink, never to be seen again.

NOTHING says "class" like jail stripes on your legs, Grandma's crocheted doily on your body, and a beanie on your noggin! It's the trifecta of FUG!

If you ever lose a button off this outfit no one will ever notice. They will be too busy trying not to look at the Gramps shawl cardigan with fake pockets and the utterly mystifying bow.

Of course, Nautical is not all he does - no, he can destroy make any other look you want as well! Here we see a rather.....Oriental motif, I think. A kimono jacket with short-shorts, mixing stripes and polka dots? Done! If there is a look more unflattering to the figure than this mess I really don't want to know about it.

This appears to be his stab (literally) at a Sixties feel. Where do I begin - can fug be measured by the hours on a runway? The ill-fitting Fly Yellow  microshorts! The giant ugly handbag that doesn't go with anything! And the best part - Paisley go-go stiletto boots with knee socks showing! Oh, the humanity!

This one commits so many fashion High Crimes, the model should be wearing an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet: 1. Rakishly tilted hat - for no reason. 2. Off-the-shoulder top that is imprisoning her arms (not that we blame it one bit, you understand...) 3. A peplum. 4. Ugly fabric for said peplum. 5. Drawstring leg shorts- WTF! 6. Gigantic fishnet pattern tights. 7. Flowered shoes?!?!

This is just inexplicable - not to mention inexcusable. I know of no living human who would wear this, whether it's raining or not. We would rather just drown.

Well, isn't that just sweet - she's wearing a garden trellis! And she loves it soooo much she had a matching bag made up! That's just so...creative. The kind of creative where you make an ashtray for your non-smoking parents out of Play-Doh. In the third grade.

Here's another enterprising lass - her ensemble is made entirely of baggy burlap, crudely embroidered with flowers and bugs and stuff! Nice work! One question - why are you carrying around the Liberty Bell for a handbag??? Maybe it's to warn people that you're coming so they can run and hide?

Hey Marge, the painters are here to finish the kitchen!

This baby just has it ALL - (Jarring) stripes mixed with plaid, mixed with florals, mixed with the damn trellis again! Should we tell Mr. M. he forgot the coin dots? That would have completed the look. The odd corset-like plaid section combined with the hip draping (two words that should never occur together) provide the wearer with a built-in glaring figure flaw where none existed before. This is a true masterpiece of FUG.

This Little Bo-Peep nightmare is the most cruel use of dotted Swiss that I have ever witnessed. Somewhere, poor little Heidi is crying her eyes out. Call Amnesty International!

I include this as proof that sometimes you can actually carry a purse fugly enough to take everyone's mind off the the utter fugliness of the rest of your fashion choices. In this case it's hard to know if that's a good thing. It's obvious that the voluminous bag is made of hideous floral upholstery fabric - who knew it also came in chiffon?

I close (mercifully) with a sad commentary. The biggest fashion crime is not making cheap and trashy fashions - lots of people do that. All the time. No, the unforgivable sin is using perfectly beautiful, high quality materials to construct ugly clothes. (The High Priest of this crime is the fashion Nemesis, Christian LaCroix.) This dress (?) is made of a wonderful material which Mr. Marras has fugged to death. Why he decided it needed the striped banding on the hem of the too-short skirt is a mystery that may never be solved. Instead of a nice figure -flattering cut, he opted for the "new" poncho/tunic look, which really, really needs to be OVER very soon. Try to picture this fabric in the hands of another designer, one who respects the material. Then try not to cry.

Paris Fashion preview - Spring '06

No sooner does New York's Fashion Week end (and not a moment too soon is you ask us) than Paris gets into the act! It's an embarrassment of riches - and we do mean that literally! May I present a sampling of the worst that the Paris runways had to offer.

OK, we just LOVE Valentino. We really do. Classy guy, great designer, icon, yadda yadda yadda. But don't you think he is taking his own name a little too literally here?

This one from Alber Eibaz is sad because it came really close to being nice instead of fugly. Can you spot the one MAJOR mistake here? We thought so.

Another Eibaz gem - I had no idea that the industrial-strength aprons they wear to process frozen fish on Arctic trawlers were so fashionable! Oh, wait, my mistake - they're NOT!!!

This a such a sweet sentiment from Elie Saab - for the cost-conscious wedding planner, you can be both the bride AND the cake, at the same time! Who knew!

From Yuki Torii, an item from the Marian The Librarian collection. You too can spend hundreds, perhaps thousands of dollars (millions of francs?) to look both frumpy and terminally depressed.

Last bad one for now - from Moon Young Lee, one of the most hideous uses of "lace" (and I use the word with caution) that I have ever seen. This woman looks like she just had a catfight with Phyllis Schlafly in the remainder room at JoAnn Fabrics - and lost.

Just when you thought it was safe.....

---It's time for more Fashion Fun! Yes, we are not done with New York's Fashion Week yet. Fear not, we have found even more haute manure to show you!

This show is from Zaldy, who is generally considered by his peers to be quite talented. That is something like thinking Jeb Bush is smart - it's all relative.

This getup is just puzzling. No one but Paris Hilton would go on safari looking like this, yet it does appear to have a few practical features, such as pockets, unless those things on the shorts are just flaps with no substance behind them - one of my pet peeves. Can you imagine someone trying that trick with men's clothing?  And I don't know about you, but I rarely go into the wilderness wearing open-toed stilettos. Just a quirk of mine.

Wha?????  I don't get it. The only way anyone could possibly go out the door in this is with a very wide belt to cinch it with. It look like one of those continuous-loop towel dispensers that you find in public restrooms, where the corner-cutting is also evident in the lack of soap and the sandpaper on the rolls in the stalls. Yeccch.

Okay, now I am frightened. I have NO idea what this is or any point of reference to use in describing it. Someone help me, it's getting so very dark, and the world is spinning...must fight the forces of evil.....Oh, and BTW the shoes are fugly too.

This little number is particularly tragic because it seems to have had potential before being mutilated. The last thing a color-block garment needs is an ugly, cheap-looking belt bisecting it  in exactly the wrong place - or a belt at all, for that matter. And what is up with the puffy stuff in the front - it completes the ruination of the line, and who wants extra bulges in the tummy/hip area? Is this a new fad, the "front bustle?"  I don't know about you, but I rarely add extra bulk to my abdominal area before I leave the house. Not that I would ever leave the house in this.

Quick, somebody get me a thesaurus - I am running out of words here. Saggy, baggy, limp, dumpy, tired, droopy, forlorn......I guess that's enough. The added bonus is how transparent the fabric is, guaranteeing that you can never wear it anywhere there might be actual light. Nice flattering color too - I love the smell of old burlap in the morning.

Imitation of Crap

Back to "normal"  - bad fashion! This is a sampling of the latest sacrificial offerings of the Imitation Of Christ label. If the blind man had laid eyes on these after his miraculous cure, he would have asked Jesus to take it back.

Let's start with this - the model has her overalls on and is all set to start painting the Little Shop of Horrors. Nice view of pubic bone cleavage, too, and hideous boots out of a bad sci-fi movie filmed on the cheap - this one has it all.

We have seen a lot of this drop-shoulder look lately, with mixed results. Nothing mixed about this - it's 100% fugly. Looks like she shredded it while escaping from the tie-dye vat. And the bulgy white vinyl go-gos? No-nos.

Here is that droopy-drawers look again - top and bottom. This bad-bruise color palette is truly unfortunate, and it pervades the whole collection. Fine if you are the costume designer for Dawn of the Dead 2, but not for living, breathing people.

Here is IOC's "muse" Scarlet Johansson, wearing what such short people should never touch with a five-foot pole - high-waisted too-tight pants. With her signature blood red lipstick and translucent tee, she looks like a hooker in a bad French New Wave film. Oh, Scarlet, you can do better!

More Fugliness from NYC Fashion Week!

You thought you were safe, that it was all over....pity the fool who thinks we have forgotten the dregs of the Spring '06 collections! We are BACK with more cornea-corroding work by bad designers! You know you want it..... 

This festive ensemble is from the innocuously named Heatherette label, but do not be fooled. The "talent" behind this label is pure evil. Many things puzzle me about this one, including the Manta ray hat and the hideous appliqued plastic flowers from Aunt Edna's tissue box cover in the powder room - you know, the one that you hated to use when you went to visit her as a child because the dusty layers of talcum and cheap cologne on everything made you sneeze? However, I am most mystified by the "socks" under the pumps that seem to exist only to match the surgical-looking gloves. Not to mention - aqua lame' !! Ooh la la!

This one is wrong in so many ways, and odd as well. The proportions are just plain awkward,and I cannot think of a body this outfit would flatter, no matter how perfect. It is about as sexless as anything that is not a burqa can be, to boot. Gotta love the glazed expression and the loaf of bread she is wearing on her head.

Now what have we here - I think it's supposed to look fetching, but it's too creepy for that - with GIANT POLKA DOTS and a GIANT BANANA PURSE!?!?! I cannot think of a less flattering coiffure either. If Betty Grable were a zombie she would look like this.

This bizarro take on the schoolgirl look makes me glad I am too old to matriculate. Shrunken cardigan sweater? Check. Too-short skirt that looks like a droopy slip? Check. Aggressively ugly orange lunchbox handbag? Check. Fetish knee-highs that send up little girls' party socks? Check. We give this one a big fat "F".

This looks like a Sex in the City homage gone badly wrong. For one thing, making Sarah Jessica Parker a fashion icon is a dubious idea at best. For another, even style-challenged Carrie Bradshaw would NEVAH ruin the look of a perfectly good pair of stilettos with those strange little socks. And what is that waterfall of tawdry gewgaws spilling down the front of her dress? Has she been shoplifting at Wal-Mart and couldn't find a place to stash the loot?

This is another "hmmmm" number - as in: "hmmmm, WTF were they thinking?! Another "dress" with Goodwill bargain bin items cascading down the front, along with a disco ball for a purse and a shorty trench that's so shiny it looks as though it's made of tinfoil. Must be Saturday night, 'cause looking at this gives me a fever, and not in a good way.

Here is the clincher from this show, featuring my all-time favorite bad fashion statement - the GIANT BOW! Does anyone know, in the name of all that is good and holy, what the hell this garment is called? Is it supposed to be a dress? It looks like Salvador Dali's pincushion. To complete the look, it's those weird little socks again, and gargantuan Barbara Bush oversized pearls. Clearly, the people behind this label have gone out of their collective little minds. So tragic. So young, so full of promise....then, the abyss yawned before them, and they fell right in. If I had been there, I would have pushed.

 

Another one for the record books!

OK , I found this on The (NSFW!) Superficial and I cannot help myself for cribbing it, cuz it looks like Vida Guerra is using the same "dress" designer as Tess Smith (see Emmys postings) used for her extremely unfortunate Red Carpet walk. Now Vida is an atttractive woman with a very nice tush, judging by what I have gleaned from various slobbery comments by FHM and MAXIM readers. I know, I know, not an impartial group, but still...no one seems to know what she is famous for except for being a sometime model and an extra in some forgettable music videos. Here she seems determined to fall completely OFF the mainstram fame radar and into the demimonde of porndom. What other explanation could there be for appearing in public in this baby-blue sleazefest? She is one breath away from a truly monumental implant nip slip, and she looks way too happy about that.  The bad Seventies small-town beauty queen 'do helps not at all.

Do not be surprised if the next thing you hear about poor Vida is her name in the credits of a straight-to-cable movie on the Spice Channel. Anybody hear chicka-boom music playing softly in the background?

She's all yours, boys!

**quote**

Associated Press
Sept. 19, 2005 08:16 AM

LOS ANGELES - Actress Tori Spelling and her husband are reportedly splitting after a year of marriage.

Spelling, 32, and actor-writer Charlie Shanian, 36, married in July 2004 and have been living apart since the beginning of August, People magazine reported.

Spelling, the daughter of television producer Aaron Spelling, spent 10 years on his hit series "Beverly Hills 90210." She also has appeared in the films "Scary Movie 2," "Scream 2," and "Troop Beverly Hills."

**end quote**

Please try to restrain yourselves, gentlemen - no shoving!

   

Just pause for a moment to re-imagine what Tori's career would have been like had she not been the daughter of a famous and fabulously rich TV producer. Think, think hard.....nah, I got nuthin'. You? I didn't think so.