Today we present the recent Paris Spring 2006 Ready-To- Wear collection from Antonio Marras for Kenzo. This man appears to have an extreme fondness for the Nautical look, which is mercifully not often seen these days except at yacht clubs and Republican conventions. Not that we have anything against the concept of "nautical", it's just that it is a very fine line to walk and it's not easy to pull off. The key to success for this look is understatement. Since you are seeing it on this site, you would be correct in assuming that understatement is NOT this designer's strong suit, if you will.
Stripes you want is it? Well, we got 'em! Going horizontally, vertically and every other which way! Feeling a little dizzy, you say? Just hang your head over the side of the boat. Hopefully your craptacular Tam O' Shanter will fall in the water and sink, never to be seen again.
NOTHING says "class" like jail stripes on your legs, Grandma's crocheted doily on your body, and a beanie on your noggin! It's the trifecta of FUG!
If you ever lose a button off this outfit no one will ever notice. They will be too busy trying not to look at the Gramps shawl cardigan with fake pockets and the utterly mystifying bow.
Of course, Nautical is not all he does - no, he can destroy make any other look you want as well! Here we see a rather.....Oriental motif, I think. A kimono jacket with short-shorts, mixing stripes and polka dots? Done! If there is a look more unflattering to the figure than this mess I really don't want to know about it.
This appears to be his stab (literally) at a Sixties feel. Where do I begin - can fug be measured by the hours on a runway? The ill-fitting Fly Yellow microshorts! The giant ugly handbag that doesn't go with anything! And the best part - Paisley go-go stiletto boots with knee socks showing! Oh, the humanity!
This one commits so many fashion High Crimes, the model should be wearing an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet: 1. Rakishly tilted hat - for no reason. 2. Off-the-shoulder top that is imprisoning her arms (not that we blame it one bit, you understand...) 3. A peplum. 4. Ugly fabric for said peplum. 5. Drawstring leg shorts- WTF! 6. Gigantic fishnet pattern tights. 7. Flowered shoes?!?!
This is just inexplicable - not to mention inexcusable. I know of no living human who would wear this, whether it's raining or not. We would rather just drown.
Well, isn't that just sweet - she's wearing a garden trellis! And she loves it soooo much she had a matching bag made up! That's just so...creative. The kind of creative where you make an ashtray for your non-smoking parents out of Play-Doh. In the third grade.
Here's another enterprising lass - her ensemble is made entirely of baggy burlap, crudely embroidered with flowers and bugs and stuff! Nice work! One question - why are you carrying around the Liberty Bell for a handbag??? Maybe it's to warn people that you're coming so they can run and hide?
Hey Marge, the painters are here to finish the kitchen!
This baby just has it ALL - (Jarring) stripes mixed with plaid, mixed with florals, mixed with the damn trellis again! Should we tell Mr. M. he forgot the coin dots? That would have completed the look. The odd corset-like plaid section combined with the hip draping (two words that should never occur together) provide the wearer with a built-in glaring figure flaw where none existed before. This is a true masterpiece of FUG.
This Little Bo-Peep nightmare is the most cruel use of dotted Swiss that I have ever witnessed. Somewhere, poor little Heidi is crying her eyes out. Call Amnesty International!
I include this as proof that sometimes you can actually carry a purse fugly enough to take everyone's mind off the the utter fugliness of the rest of your fashion choices. In this case it's hard to know if that's a good thing. It's obvious that the voluminous bag is made of hideous floral upholstery fabric - who knew it also came in chiffon?
I close (mercifully) with a sad commentary. The biggest fashion crime is not making cheap and trashy fashions - lots of people do that. All the time. No, the unforgivable sin is using perfectly beautiful, high quality materials to construct ugly clothes. (The High Priest of this crime is the fashion Nemesis, Christian LaCroix.) This dress (?) is made of a wonderful material which Mr. Marras has fugged to death. Why he decided it needed the striped banding on the hem of the too-short skirt is a mystery that may never be solved. Instead of a nice figure -flattering cut, he opted for the "new" poncho/tunic look, which really, really needs to be OVER very soon. Try to picture this fabric in the hands of another designer, one who respects the material. Then try not to cry.
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